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I have just returned from a run. It’s surprising to write this fact. It seems it could have been a decade since the previous time. However I recently discovered that my levels show somewhat raised cholesterol, and doctors suggested to do sweaty exercise frequently.

This is the first time in my existence that the reason to exercise has been my physical health. During earlier years, I jogged because I aimed to be thinner. At times I ran to manage my anxiety – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, without confronting it. Sometimes, I exercised because I wanted to get better with jogging. This was what it meant to me at that time to develop a better life.

Running for a different reason currently sparked reflection about the approaches I’ve related with my physique over my lifetime and the way it’s evolving as I move from early adulthood to midlife. I believe not I’ve valued my physical form, not truly. I’ve appreciated it only for its capabilities and the purposes it served me: trying to attract others; avoiding feelings; completing a speedier five kilometers. Previously, I failed to grasp that I am my body, it embodies my life, instead of an instrument for achievements.

A lot has been written over the centuries about the separation between body and mind – which you will be relieved to know, I won’t summarize in this piece. What resonated most intriguing is the Freudian perspective that consciousness and physique are naturally unified right from the start, because physical maturation demands mental growth and vice versa. A baby’s physical sensations – such as the bodily feeling of hunger – propel the mind to build the ability to perceive hunger as an emotion that may be satisfied by eating; and the mental reassurance and contentment consistently provided by repeated nourishment nourishes the infant’s psyche similar to the food nourishes them corporally. Likewise emotional occurrences – like the wish to rise and attain a goal, and the determination to try again and again – are the reason and method physical strength increases. Starting at birth, our body and mind are intertwined in mutual development as connected as a double helix.

However I have noticed, during therapy with my therapist, that my mind and body can be in a different kind of relationship – a less unified and somewhat abusive. My mind may employ my body to retain and manifest aspects that my consciousness considers unwanted or unacceptable. During therapy it emerged how there are specific feelings that I fear I cannot bear; in place of experiencing them in my mind, I unintentionally force them into my body, where they get stuck as physical symptoms.

I previously experienced digestive discomfort – which had nothing to do with what I’d eaten, but was a type of physical reflux of the sharper sentiments I couldn’t digest mentally. This was not a deliberate decision, but when it was brought into my consciousness in sessions, and my fear and insecurity and rage and terror could be felt and put into words rather than changed into bodily feelings, it vanished. I seldom experience from indigestion now.

The toughest period I experienced this terrible acid reflux, I failed to rest for multiple consecutive nights. It seemed I was losing my sanity. I consulted my doctor, who arranged all sorts of examinations and assessments, but no issues were found medically abnormal. It turned out to be a different physician who told me that the root could be mental. My therapist did not disagree. I was shocked, but I also felt it to be true.

When a patient experiences a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted at the suggestion that it could have a psychological cause. They can experience like disrespect, being told that their illness is fabricated. And of course it’s a real phenomenon – people can have their symptoms discounted or misdiagnosed. However, sometimes it’s possible that the corporeal issues are genuine – without doubt – and the origin is emotional, the inner mind using the body to manifest certain suffering or rage or whatever emotion awareness cannot tolerate. Occasionally, we may believe our emotions matters solely when it is expressed as bodily symptoms. We often undervalue our mental states as individuals, in social contexts and as a culture; why else would we tolerate the appalling elimination of psychological therapies on the NHS?

My experiences have shown me that a superior lifestyle is unattainable while caught without realization in modes of connection, within ourselves and in relationships, that are rooted in devaluation, use and exchange. Such patterns tend to be simpler to spot “externally” in broader culture. It’s perhaps harder to think about their origins, and to identify these forms inside us and in intimate connections, in the workings of our mental lives.

Yet it’s worth persevering. Upon wearing my jogging shoes again post a long hiatus, heading out not for physical improvement, or to escape a feeling, or to beat a 5km time, {it